February 26, 2024

I’m a Bisexual Man, but I Refuse to Date Straight Women

  • I’m bi, but I tend to steer clear of heterosexual cisgender women when it comes to dating.
  • Straight women don’t understand the queer experience, and I don’t like coming out to their families.
  • For me, bisexual women win my heart hands down.

I’m a bisexual man who loves to date people of any gender or gender identity.

But these days, I’m not dating straight cisgender women. 

I have had some truly great relationships with straight women. It was kind of the obvious choice for me for so many years, but now that I’m older, I’ve decided to cut them out of my romantic life.

Of course, I love my straight allies — and I’d never say never — but there are a few reasons that I now refuse to date straight women.

I’ve encountered several straight women who are biphobic

I’ve met many straight women who have openly told me that they would “never date a bisexual man.” They always cite the same reasons: He’ll run off with a man, he’s gay and in denial, he’s incapable of monogamy, or men can’t be bisexual. 

I remember being at a dinner party, and one person recounted her shock at a first date telling her he was bisexual. The entire table proceeded to agree with her decision to leave the date immediately.

I felt like being bi was this shocking thing that meant I was somehow ineligible to date women. Of course, not all straight women are like this, but it still makes me feel incredibly uneasy.

Straight women will never understand what it’s like to be queer

For me, there is no substitute for the shared experience of being queer. 

When I look for a soulmate, I’m looking for just that — someone who connects with me on the deepest level. So much of what we experience as LGBTQ+ people cannot be learned or explained. It’s exhausting having to explain my identity to people. I don’t want to have to do that on a date.

We queer people have been systematically intimidated, repressed, and humiliated for being who we are. As a member of this marginalized group, I like being around other queer people who understand these struggles and experiences. 

Even if I had the most supportive straight partner — and they do exist — they wouldn’t fully be able to connect with my queer side.

Coming out as bisexual to a straight woman’s family is never easy

I’ve had to come out to my girlfriends’ families, and it’s been awful. The pressure of meeting a family is already stressful enough, but having to tell them I’m bisexual on top of that was too much. 

Straight people don’t have to go through the “coming out” process, so you never know how their loved ones are going to react. Though my partners themselves were understanding, there was no guarantee that her friends and family would be, too.

I had a traumatic experience in which my partners’ family freaked out at my coming out. From then on, I was treated with a deep sense of distrust and suspicion. Anytime something went wrong in the relationship, they assumed it was because I was bisexual — and therefore unworthy.

Straight women are more likely to adhere to stereotypical gender roles

As a bi person, I love people. I’m attracted to the whole person — regardless of gender. I love to connect with all of someone’s facets and be able to express mine as well.

To me, hetero people often box themselves into a category and are interested in people who are in the “other” category. I have never fit into a hetero category, so I don’t know how that mindset works.

In other words, there is often an expectation that the man should take the dominant role. This doesn’t make sense to me and feels constrictive.

In my view, love and sex are most fulfilling when both people express the fullness of who they are — not who they think they should be based on societal standards.

Most importantly, bisexual women are irresistible

Finally, the main reason you won’t see me dating straight women is that there are too many gorgeous bi women in this world.

When I connect with a bisexual woman, something magical happens. We relate through shared experience, we honor each other’s masculine and feminine traits, we feel protected from toxic assumptions, and we express our deepest authenticity together.

To be appreciated for the whole man that I am by a woman who owns the spectrum of her sexuality is electrifying. Bi people get made to feel so unworthy, so when we get together, it’s incredible.

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