February 26, 2024

Jonathan Isaac launches UNITUS, ‘anti-woke’ alternative to Nike

Business is about seeing the marketplace before the consumer knows they need it, and then capitalizing. I’m actually pretty certain that’s why it’s called capitalism. Sure, I didn’t go to business school, I don’t have an MBA, but you know who else didn’t go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant… or Jonathan Isaac.

Now guess which one of those players has his own brand of athletic apparel? It’s not Kobe, LeBron, or T-Mac, but rather Isaac. The Orlando Magic forward is launching a faith-based, anti-woke line of athleisure called UNITUS. Pronounced “Unite Us,” the brand presents itself as an alternative to Nike to “give Americans, freedom-loving Americans, faith-loving Americans the option to buy with their values.”

Isaac, most noted for not playing a whole lot of basketball, and not kneeling during the national anthem in the Bubble, said that when you buy a company’s product, you endorse its values.

“When we do give our money to companies that don’t support our values, we’re cosigning their message,” he told Fox & Friends.

If crises of character dictated America’s shopping habits, 95 percent of the country would be crippled simply by entering a shopping center or perusing Amazon. Hell, I have a guilty conscience after a trip to Chick-Fil-A, but you don’t see me trying to create a woke spicy chicken sandwich, complete with non-gentrified sweet and sour sauce. (I’m 75 percent positive “Polynesian sauce” is offensive.)

In a startling (spot-on?) lack of self-awareness, the right dropped Bud Light for Modelo — a Mexican beer — fully cosigning a country they’ve decided is full of rapists, criminals, and drug addicts. So good luck to UNITUS, because even if you can alter these morons’ spending habits, there’s no guarantee they will choose a Christian-certified product.

UNITUS crown jewel

I saved the best part of the UNITUS news for last: Isaac’s new signature sneaker is the “Air Judah.” (Via BroBible)

They genuinely look like a pair of bootleg Jordans that you’d buy off from a shady New York City street vendor. Again, I didn’t go to business school, but that has to be some form of copyright infringement.

Isaac is going to have a tough time recruiting other NBA players to his brand considering his injury history, and what a season in Big Baller Brand sneakers did to Lonzo Ball’s career. (I’ll take “debilitating knee problems” for 1000, Alex.)

If Jonathan Isaac really wants to cash in on the investment, he needs to further lean into the hate. Make an anti-LeBron shoe, and call it the Kingslayer, or perhaps a pro-life sneaker, the Unde-fetus. I don’t know, but preaching unity isn’t going to work. Only Michael Jordan can sell to the right and the left, so pick a side and pander to it, Jonathan. IT’S BUSINESS 101!

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